


yours is the face (that makes my body burn)

by andthestarsabove



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, THIS SOUNDS VERY ANGSTY BUT I PROMISE IT'S OKAY, but it ends all right, but it is because I say so, he's worried about simon, i mean it is angsty, this is mostly baz having a breakdown, you actually can't really tell that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28076322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andthestarsabove/pseuds/andthestarsabove
Summary: I've always had to entertain the possibility of Simon dying.Not by my hand (I wouldn't have hurt him), but in battle. Someday. Off fighting the Humdrum. Lying face down in the sand.I never thought I'd have to be scared of him dying like this.Baz worries about Simon.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	yours is the face (that makes my body burn)

**Author's Note:**

> TW for mentions of eating problems and suicide
> 
> Yes this has problems no I'm not going to fix it

I've always had to entertain the possibility of Simon dying.  
Not by my hand (I wouldn't have hurt him,) but in battle. Someday. Off fighting the Humdrum. Lying face down in the sand.  
I never thought I'd have to be scared of him dying like this.  
He's not dead. I don't even know if I need to be worried. (I do, I always need to be worried. But about this?)  
I can't stop thinking about it.  
I came home this evening and he wasn't on the couch, and I thought maybe I'd find him dead in the bathtub. Dead in his room.  
He was fine.  
As fine as he can be.  
_Just had a rough day,_ he told me.  
_A really rough day,_ Penny said.  
I hate that I can't make him okay. I hate that I never even know what's wrong anymore. 

He and Bunce are eating in front of the tv.  
I'm in Simon's room, working on a paper. I'm not hungry. I haven't been hungry, lately. The thought of it makes me sick.  
I try to keep myself fed (don't need to cause any more problems) but I can't, tonight. I'll choke something down when I get home, but Simon makes me sick too because I can't stop thinking about him being dead.  
Nothing would change.  
Well, of course it would. But I'd still be standing here. It would be the same existence and I'd have to live with knowing he was gone.  
I imagine Penny telling me. _Simon's dead._  
What would I do?  
I curl over my laptop, hands around my stomach.  
_It hurts, it hurts._  
Nothing's sat right with me. I think it's the stress.  
I'm trying to breathe. I'm trying to listen for the sound of Simon's breathing. The sound of his voice. He's still out there, he's okay.  
Would he kill himself?  
Would he let himself waste away until he died?  
I press my palms into my eyes.  
Someone drops the dishes in the sink. The water starts to run.  
I'm still trying not to choke. _He's okay. He's getting better. He's getting-_  
The door opens.  
"Oh," Simon says. "I didn't know you were in here."  
I don't know how he sounds.  
That does me in, that he didn't know, that he doesn't want me.  
_He wants you, he wants you._  
"Sorry," I grumble. "I'm just leaving."  
I stand back from his desk, shut off my laptop, and begin stuffing it into my messenger bag. I don't want him to see my face.  
"O-oh," Simon says. "You-"  
Probably, I should stay and talk to him. We're working on communication. But if I look at him, he'll be dead.  
"I'm done with the paper anyway," I say.  
"Baz, wait-"  
I stop.  
My back to him, my head down and toward the door. One good thing about all this hair is that it hides my eyes well.  
"Yeah?"  
I hate how calm my voice is.  
"Do you have to go?"  
It's his way of asking me to stay.  
I sigh. "I don't know. I, well. I don't feel well. I should go home."  
He's standing behind me now. He puts a hand on my back and rubs up and down.  
"I'm sorry," he says. "Is there anything I can do-"  
And then I'm crying, letting my bag rest on the floor and pushing my hands into my eyes again.  
"No," I say, "no, I'm fine."  
I think I'm shaking.  
"Christ," Simon says. "What's wrong?"  
I can't look at him. I can't see him-  
He turns me around, gentle, and pulls my hands from my face, his fingers soft around my wrists.  
"Baz."  
I look at him.  
In front of me, his mouth hanging open and his stupid blue eyes. Right there and so so alive.  
"I'm afraid you're going to die," I say.  
He blinks.  
"What?"  
"I-" I'm choking on how idiotic I sound. "I can't stop thinking about you dying. I keep seeing it. I just- I want you to be okay-"  
"Hey, hey," he says softly. "I'm okay. I'm right here." He steps closer to me and presses his hands to my face. "I've got you."  
"Have you got yourself?"  
I don't know what I'm saying.  
"What do you mean?"  
"I need you to be okay," I say. "I can't lose you now. Not like this-" I'm still crying. He's brushing the tears away with his thumbs. "I know you're not okay right now, just- just tell me you will be. I need you- are you-"  
"What are you on about?"  
"I don't know!" _I'm going crazy. What am I doing?_  
"Baz, baby." Simon takes his palms off my cheeks and grabs my hands in his. "Hey. Breathe, love."  
I hadn't realized how shallow it had gotten. I take a shaky breath while Simon pulls me into a hug.  
"You're okay," he says, running his hand down the back of my head. Which is not exactly what I need to hear him say right now, but he's here and he's holding me, so it's close enough. "I'm okay."  
I let my head rest on his shoulder while he holds the back of my head.  
"I'm going to be okay," he says. "And so are you. You've been stuck with me for so long already there'd be no use giving up now." He chuckles. I smile, just a bit.  
Simon kisses my temple.  
I like when he holds me. I'm taller, but he's bigger than me in every other way, and it feels safe.  
"I love you," he tells me, and it's like hearing it for the first time. "I'm okay."  
We stay there for a minute or so.  
I think I've relaxed some, and I'm already embarrassed by this breakdown even though I'm barely halfway out of it. I still feel sick and my face is hot, but I keep my eyes shut and my cheek on his shoulder, head turned into his neck. I shouldn't let myself get so close. I'd be scared if I were him.  
He's not.  
I don't know if I wish he was.  
It frightens me to see how he thinks of me, that it doesn't seem to bother him. Because I'm dangerous (I'd never hurt him). Because he should be more careful.  
And also because maybe he's right. Maybe I've never needed to feel so ashamed.  
That feels worse than anything.  
Simon pulls me closer. "Are you all right?"  
"Improving," I say into his neck.  
He chuckles. "Good."  
"I'm sorry," I say. "I didn't mean to bother you, I know you don't feel well-" I stand up and press my palms into my eyes one last time. Trying to get the tears away without looking like I'm doing it.  
"Don't be sorry," he says. "Please. I- I want to help you. And I feel better when you let me see when you're upset."  
"I'm glad my suffering amuses you, Snow."  
He rolls his eyes. "You know what I mean."  
"I know," I say. "I'll try."  
I will. For him.  
I smile, a kind of sad one, and he smiles kind of sad back.  
"Don't go tonight," Simon says. "We can find something to watch."  
We both know we'll fall asleep on the sofa. Sometimes it's easier that way- something in the background to drown out our thoughts, next to each other without the pressure of a bed.  
"That sounds wonderful," I say.  
He grins. (I'm so happy to see him smile for real.) "Great."  
He starts out the door, but I catch his shoulder. "Simon," I say. _I love you so much. You're everything to me. You're more than I thought I could ask for._ "I... thank you."  
"Of course, Baz" he says.  
I should ask if he's all right. I will, once we're settled in the other room. I'll hold him while he cries, if I need to. I'd do anything for him.  
"I love you," I tell him. I'll say the rest another day. I've got time.  
We've got all the time in the world.


End file.
